I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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