My underwear smells like fireworks.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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