I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
My dick has a subreddit
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
