You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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