as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
