Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
