I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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