I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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