HIV tests are more positive than that guy
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
