The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize