Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I wish you could order shots online.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
