I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
