All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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