ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
