I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
