he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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