I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize