I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Randomize
