you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
