Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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