Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
