remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
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