Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
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