someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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