I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
