the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
