Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
