dude i'm inner monologue high
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
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