I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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