They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
