Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
