Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
