the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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