My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
