i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
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