Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
