i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
