I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
