do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Randomize
