My girlfriend figured out who you are.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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