i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
