the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
