Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
