I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
