NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
