Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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