I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Princesses don't give blow jobs
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
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