its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
