i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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