My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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