i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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