i used baking grease as lip gloss
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
