it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
