Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
