He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
