if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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