Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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