I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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