I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
