when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
