So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
my nose is crying tears of wow.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
